Lunatic.

I’m feeling phenomenally unmotivated today. I’m taking a mental health day. You may say that it’s unwise to use my one screw you card this early in the quarter, and I don’t question that, but I think it’s something I need to do. Bonus points if you noticed that I’m posting this when I would normally be in psych class and was already in the process of questioning why I wasn’t.

I’m also uninstalling CoV. In order to tell you why I first have to explain my metaphor to you.

Have you ever heard of the comic series Johnny the Homicidal Maniac? It’s good; it’s quite good, and another example of the fact that genius and madness are inherently linked. Early on in the comic the main character, Johnny, spends a lot of time talking to himself though anthropomorphic personifications of self. Most notably the doughboys. It’s later revealed that the voice behind them is no longer Johnny, but an extra dimensional being of pure negative emotion blah blah blah. The key thing you need to know is that it raises an interesting question. If one of the voices in your head, the voices you’ve known since you were a child, was suddenly being controlled by something else, would you know?

This conflict gives rise to a great phrase “I’ve lost control of my madness.” The doughboys are both manipulating Johnny, each to their own independent goal but he has nonetheless become a slave to their will because he sees it as his own.

So Have I.

While I don’t have an antagonist actively working against me, I can see that CoV and the MMORPG experience in general is destroying me, but I couldn’t tell it was my enemy because the voice that lead me to it was my own.

The more I think about the two weeks that I went full cold turkey in my post WoW phase the more I realize that was who I really am. I used to look back on it disdainfully because I became notably more insane. The MMORPG has always served as a dumping ground for excess thought, a place where I can go to get away from my own mind. It’s a simple world where all of your problems can be solved by violence and nothing has permanent consequence. It’s clean, and concise, and simple, and easy. It’s anti-enlightenment at its finest.

But it’s draining off my madness, and with it I lose so much. I’ve said time and time again that my key motivating factors are fear and greed, but I see now that there is a third, but it’s been stifled for two long. There are things I’ve done not out of fear, not out of greed, but out of some deep seated lunatic drive that boils within me. Is this necessarily a good thing? No. Having madness be a key motivator is probably something most people would reject, but I’ve learned long ago that I can’t reject who I am.

Hah! I’m reconsidering. I can feel the thoughts worming in my head as I type. I’m tired of dealing with these big serious issues, let’s go play the game for a while, take our mind off it. FUCK YOU!!! I’m done being controlled by that voice. And yes, I know, I will almost certainly fall again. If I recall correctly I made a promise almost identical to this one near the end of February didn’t I? Well relapse is not defeat.

Hmm. It’s strange; I can feel myself running out of madness now. It’s a lot like the first worm thought, but this one is more inherent. It’s not a corruption but rather a weakness of the form that I have.

My mind requires a more suitable host body.

In either case I think I’ve made my point about the madness. I’m taking today off to think and rest and do a lot of reading, some of which is school based, and some of which isn’t. Hmm, there’s that though again, worming its way in my head. I’m going to pause briefly from typing this to uninstall before my weakness beats my lunatic fervor.

That’s actually a good point. It’s important to note that it isn’t just insanity that motivates me. Insanity is just some key mental error. Whether it be absolute faith in a misconception, radically different perspective from the rest of the world, or non-uniform interpretation of the fundament (hallucinations) it’s a thing about a person that just sits on the person. Madness has passion. Madness in a way is passion, and it’s time for me to embrace that.

Ugh. I can feel my mind reeling from withdrawal already. The Magnitude of the decision is still settling in and it clings to its security blanket. No More.