Thursday, October 19, 2006


Me and my microwaved can of corn beef hash have a story to tell.

First let me tell you about the meal block. It’s a great way of keeping my gastrointestinal affairs in order. I normally make dinner after coming home from QFC which is on my way back from work. I also usually make much more then would be necessary for a simple dinner, then I fill a Tupperware with whatever’s left. These aren’t your small “normal person” sized tubs either, so this gives me enough for a large lunch to compensate for the fact that I never eat breakfast, and an after work snack. So far this is working out great.

So today I went to QFC and the grand wheel of impulse said “Hamburger helper.” I bought the extra noodles, the boxes, and the beef. This model, by the way, is how I make almost everything. It’s some meat, some filler starch, and some additive. Anyway, I started making my grand mixture. I had decided to get the rest of the week done, so I bought two of everything. It’s about $20 altogether and would’ve fed me tonight, and through Friday. I spent about an hour altogether making it, and messed up the stove because I forgot that the pan couldn’t hold that much. I simmered it down ultra fast because it was simmering down from the lip of the pan. Anyway I finish, I mix, and I fill two tupperwares, then I fill a bowl for myself.

Something’s wrong.

It’s a weird taste that I can’t quite place. It’s almost metallic. When I first tasted it I thought my spoon was malfunctioning. It’s an unplaceable taste; it’s what a toothache would taste like. Almost bloody…

Damnit. I didn’t fully cook the meat. This is what I get for trying to brown 2 lbs of beef in a 1 lb pan, If I’d just stuck to reasonable portions this wouldn’t happen.

So what now? First of all it taste’s horrible. Also it might make me sick, and by association kill me. Twenty bucks down the drain. Damn.

I did then what I do with all of my food waste. I opened the back door to our porch and hurled it into the woods. That may sound horrible to you, but it’s always completely gone the next morning so something appreciates it. There’s a green belt behind our apartment so I imagine all sorts of woodland creatures may be eating my three day old rice and overcooked pasta. This opens the issue that I’m feeding friendly woodland creatures potentially poisonous pasta. I don’t think it will matter though because the herbivores won’t eat the meat, and the things that eat the meat are animals and hence already eat raw meat. Hell, my semi-cooked meat is a delicacy by comparison. Actual delicacy too, I’m not just drenching it in over potent sauce, adding the phrase “tar tar” and declaring my lethargy cuisine.

So here I am, $20 bucks down and I don’t have food for tomorrow. Well not yet anyway, I can go to QFC on my way too work and pick something up.

And while I’m on the subject of QFC, and because I don’t feel like making two posts, did you know you can buy an entire roast chicken for $7? Seven Dollars! I make more then that for an hour of playing video games. It’s great for me, but if you told that to chickens they would probably turn suicidal, which would make them even cheaper due to the abundance of dead chickens.


Anonymous Kevo said...

I knew those tubs of food tasted a little funny

9:49 PM  

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