Tuesday, April 13, 2010


I've spent some time here and there thinking about how people are sold things. Not the raw mechanics of commerce, although I've thought about that too, but rather the way things are successfully advertised. I've been sold any number of products by appealing to genuine needs. I've been sold some products through promises of greater quality then the products that have failed me in the past. I've been sold things because they would grant me access to new social realms, and sometimes that's even been true. I have no memory of anyone ever actively selling me a sword, or other bladed weapon, but I still have to put a great deal of effort into not buying them whenever I see that they are simply available to be purchased. I have two theories on that one. The first is that swords speak to a primal desire embedded in the genetic memories of my Y chromosome which is being amplified by a childhood fascination with weaponry and the role toy weapons played as items of reward, pleasure and social standing during the formative years of my early childhood. My other theory is that swords are Awesome.

I'm not talking about swords right now though. I want to address that small collection of things I have been sold through my own morbid curiosity. I don't necessarily want these things, but upon hearing about them I just have to know. I lost $5 to this phenomenon earlier today. I lost this money because KFC, which was already degrading the collective culture with it's nightmarish bowls, took the initiative to rip the hyperbole from the comedians and make the double down.

Do you know what this thing is? Imagine if you would a bacon and cheese sandwich, add a bit of that strange orange mayo sauce stuff that only fast food companies have access to, I assume through some unholy Faustian covenant with the snake God Yig, then instead of a bun, put it all between two pieces of fried chicken.

Just thinking about that for a minute. There isn't a single ingredient in that thing that's healthy. There isn't a single thing in that from the first two layers of the food pyramid. It's just meat dairy and self loathing.

I heard about this product and I had to know. And now that I know, none of you should go buy it. This thing should've been rich with decadent excess. Each bite should have been guilty pleasure, it should have tasted like the apple from Eden. This thing should be a piece of delicious sin, and it's not. It's a mediocre chicken bacon sandwich with too much chicken and no bread. That's it. Total waste of time and money, but at least now I know.


Post a Comment

<< Home