Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Nomad (part 2)

I've got an interesting history of getting repeating speeches from the various authority figures in my life. These started with the kind of praise that tends to be given to young children, and I think these speeches may have been actively bad for me since I got used to being able to win without trying. This naturally leads into the recurring drone I got throughout most of middle school. The chant of "you have so much potential," was a genuine attempt to help me but it fell on dead ears. Recently there has been another kind of message, usually from my peers, but today I got it from my program leader. I think of this particular speech as the sorting hat speech, because it reminds me of a scene in the harry potter novels where the protagonist is questioning the hat, and instead of the affirmations he sought he simply gets the message "You would have made a great Slytherin."

I liked that scene. It's that kind of truth that can ignite potential into greatness. It's a reminder that you chose your path because it matters to you, not because of the simple rewards.

This last quarter has been amazing. It has also been overwhelming and challenging in ways I didn't realize it could be. It's been healing to wounds that I didn't even know I had. I've grown an amazing amount as a person, but I haven't yet reached my goal of pulling up my grades. And this is where the sorting hat speech comes into play. I was talking with my adviser today and she said something interesting. That I could be sitting in a political science class (In this speech it's normally a programming class) turning my mind to something it's already good at and getting a degree and a job and a paycheck, but what I'm doing here could be more then that, it could be a lifetime. It could be the answer to the passion that has always put me at odds with myself.

That phrase "passion that has always put me at odds with myself," is something I just made up but I think it might end up being an important phrase.

Years back, I forget in what context, I was talking with my dad. I don't recall what I was saying at the time, but I remember the way he paused and then said "I wonder if someday you'll wind up being a spiritual leader." My answer at the time was something about how I couldn't logically pursue that path because I wasn't actively part of an organized religion. It's almost funny to look back on the way I used to think about these things. The interesting thing though is that no matter how far back I'm looking I can look back on my thoughts on this. I've spent a great deal of time thinking about a great many things, but there isn't any point in my past where I wasn't thinking about things that fall into the overarching umbrella of spirituality. Until recently I believed that my lifelong passion for mysticism wasn't going to go anywhere, but I've been put back in touch with things I've honestly always believed. It's been a reawakening, and it's amazing, and a certain part of me is terrified by it.

The fear is that fear of success I mentioned in the last Nomad post. Things like Reiki, EFT, QiGong and the mind-body gestalt don't really fit into my scientist background. The entire principle of intuitive wisdom, which I believe in largely because of how many times I've experienced it, is kind of at odds with the scientific community. Except it isn't. These kinds of techniques are being integrated into hospitals every day. I could say that I fear being alienated from my own family, but I love my family and I have faith in those bonds. I'm sure if I put effort into it I could keep inventing reasons I'm afraid, but the truth of the matter is that the fear is inside me. My brain still can't fully trust my soul.

And maybe that's it. My entire life I've been a brain person. From the first years being called a gifted child to being my high schools token science nerd. Perhaps this fear stems from breaking that mold, and pursuing the soul.

The fear isn't something I'm going to resolve in one blog post. It's going to be part of the journey, because the more I've learned about myself the more I've seen that fear is the root of all of the other challenges in my life. That's okay though. The important thing is that I'm starting to accept that my life is going to be journey, not the career path. It may mean that I'm never going to achieve the traditional model of success, but honestly, I'm not afraid of that.


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