Saturday, November 06, 2010


Ever since I returned from Harmony hill I've had this sense of being lost. Like the life I'm living is not where I'm supposed to be. It isn't always on my mind, but in the quiet moments when there is nothing to distract me it come back. This isn't right. This is destructive, this isn't enough. It haunts me and I know in my heart that it's true.

But you know what turns out to be really really easy? Running away from your problems.

I've done that a lot of my life, and not in the traditional ways. You see I grew up with a computer, and the internet, and video games, so my ability to escape reality was greater then at any other point in human history. My life has offered me countless opportunities to escape my life, and by and large I've taken them.

And it needs to stop. It really does. And not just because of how damaging it is to my soul, but because of how pathetic it's become. People have developed new ways to stay comfortably numb, they've perfected the internet into a machine that can consume hours and hours of your time, all while making you feel like you're doing something, and slowly killing you inside.

So am I swearing off the internet? No, that would be crazy. Getting rid of games and computers would be like throwing out my car because I don't think I'm getting enough exercise. The device isn't the problem, it's the way it's used.

And to be honest, I fully intent to keep video games as a big part of my life. It's my culture, and I really genuinely enjoy them. They aren't even inherently bad for you. What I need to do is avoid the ease of escape. This, in large part, is about getting rid of the stupid little flash games on facebook and other websites that can chew up hours at a time while you do some little thing over and over again. The rest of it is about time management, and getting more done, and not letting the little things slide.

How do I do this and make it stick? I'm honestly not 100% sure yet, but I think it may start with dramatically reducing the role my desktop PC plays in my life. To start with it's a hulking noisy behemoth, but mostly it's that 90% of the things I do on a computer that are good for me I either can do, or already routinely do on my laptop. I have this idea of getting rid of the chair in front of my desktop, so that it's not longer comfortable to use for long periods of time, but I'm not sure how well that will work.

I'm not sure how far it goes from there. I just know that it won't be easy, but it will matter, unlike the things that are.


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