Idle Thoughts

I've been thinking about several things. That's not different from normal life in any way, but some part of me still feels the need to give an excuse before I go into an unmitigated rant about pointless things.

First of all I’m suffering more from my withdrawal then I did last time. I’ve been thinking heavily about the nature of my addiction. You have to understand that world of Warcraft was a clearly unhealthy obsession. I was compelled to keep playing it for weeks after I stopped enjoying it. In short it was crack. I left it, and felt good, but it was 3 days before I had latched on to another game of some sort. D&D online was methadone.

I’ve also realized more and more that it wasn’t just my insanity and my energy that was drained into the online void. I’ve become more irritable recently. The most notable side effect of this is a sudden spike in the amount of profanity I use. There’s another word which I find myself shouting 20 or so times a day though. The word is “Gaahhh!” It’s like I started to say “God” but halfway through I got too frustrated and just let it trail off. I do this over the most minor things too.

”Damnit people, hit clear when you’re done with the microwave. Gah!!”
”Where the hell is my other sandal? GAh!!!”
”I ordered a large Damnit, Gah!!!”

Now that I’ve properly constructed a web of false excuses allow me to admit that I’ve recently acquired the game “Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion.”

There are several things I’ve learned from it. First of all I’m disturbed at how readily I’ll steal things from the internet. I didn’t even think about it. It’s probably a bad sign. Today I’m steeling data, but tomorrow it’ll be car parts, then knocking over liquor stores, and then I’m just a stones throw away from pocketing a stadium.

You heard me.

I’ve also learned something about myself that has some serious negative implications. When I wasn’t playing video games, I was wasting time otherwise. So I’m not an addict, I’m lazy and have a hobby. It all comes back to the problem of motivation. What am I going to do about it? Nothing. Kind of. I’m going to tough out the rest of this quarter drawing heavily on my Samurai focus mentality. Excessive use of it essentially always leads to a buildup of stress, but really how is that any different then what I was doing last quarter? I plan to spend a lot of the summer thinking, and the rest of it learning how to draw. I have a deep seated urge to express myself artistically, but I’m chained by my own material existence. My problem can be summed up entirely by the Futarama episode “The Devil’s Hands are Idle Playthings.” I’m going to go watch it then go to sleep.

Also I’ve officially stopped trying to make my blog have any literary value. I just don’t care any more. I’m just too unmotivated nowadays.

Holy crap, Word accepts nowadays as a legitimate word. That’s nuts.