Half Blood

This has been a long time coming, and it’s time to talk about it. It’s time to talk about it because as of 6:12 a.m. May 29^th 2006 I am no longer the youngest of the children born to my father.

Yet I am still the youngest born to my mother.

The situation is tricky, but I don’t need to tell you that. Every time I speak of it, every time I write of it, and even now as I sit in my darkened room typing these words I feel my chest fill with a weariness that is beyond my years. How do I feel about her? I can not yet say. I will not hesitate to admit that I bear an unreasoned animosity towards my father’s wife. I have heard some say that she snatched him away, but I disagree. I think the decision was his, and she may have pulled him, but she did not force him. I could speak for hours on this subject without actually saying anything, and in this moment that would be a tantamount waste because that subject is not even what I am here to discuss.

The Half blooded. Ahh how I do enjoy my melodramatic lexicon. I’ve never met her, and as such I can not hate her. It is a rule I live by. However that rule is, as far as this discussion is concerned, moot. I don’t feel any initial animosity towards her. I do not think of her as my sister either though. Whether this is because of the immense age gap or this is because of our incomplete blood relation I can not say. I think of her in much the same way I think of my cousin Torrie. Torrie is a child that belongs to couple that is connected to, but separate from my family. She’s Kin, but she isn’t part of my Nuclear family. The Richard Anika couple isn’t part of my nuclear family either, even though Richard is.

That, in summary, is the nature of my relationship with the child, and the reason my relationship to her is awkward. I have a close connection to her father. I have an unreasoned grudge against her mother. That grudge shames me too. I don’t have any good reason not to like Anika, but this is a matter of love, and if I’ve learned anything it’s that love doesn’t have to have a reason.

Every rule is a double edged sword.

How will I fell about Anna when I meet her? And I assure you I will meet her. Some amongst me say that I’ll be immediately attracted because it will be a cute baby. Those people don’t understand the power of The Wall. Some say I’ll have an immediate blood affinity. They may be right, but that’s not a good basis for a relationship between me and this young one, because a blood relationship will only go half way. In the end I do not know, because there is one variable I can’t see past.

Will she bear the mark of her mother? Will my unreasoned contempt carry over? I’ve thought about this question a lot, I’ve spent many more hours thinking about this then this child has spent alive, but every time I think on this I find myself without a conclusion. I find myself as I find myself now, a world weary teenager; whose autumn years shall span the whole of his life.