Thursday, May 24, 2007

The End of Exodus

On this hour at this time I choose to stop and reflect. A great many things will happen this day, and they force me to consider a great many more.

Chris and Catie move out today. Catie has a summer internship overseas starting in roughly a week, so they're leaving sooner then originally planned. Their departure brings many things to light. I was never been particularly active with them, we all got along, and I think they're good people with an interesting story, but by and large I keep to myself and they likewise keep to themselves. They are a pair of deviants engaged before the age of twenty and though every bitter nerve in my body screams in protest I think they will go on to great things. At times like this when reason and humanity are at an impasse I take solace in my faith, and I have faith that they will do well.

Their departure brings up the issue of communal existence. For a while now each of us brought something to the collective experience of our home. When we first began to pool our resources my inner opportunist kept a strict list of what belonged to who, but in time my humanity was allowed to speak and I ended this needless obsession. The separation is a stark reminder not only of this material division, but of how much C&C contributed. As I look around me; mentally filtering our possessions, I see how much I've benefited from their generosity. I'm probably not as ashamed as I should be to see how little of the pool is actually mine. I thought at first it would be the big things that would get to me. The sudden absence of the couch, and the projector for example, but my eye for luxury was soon overshadowed by the necessities I would soon lack. How many of our dishes belong to Catie? Who exactly owns the microwave? These thoughts loom as massive icebergs on the horizon of my consciousness, because what I'm actually going to miss is the people. I've grown more attached to them then I'd thought, but I know that loss is the key to change, and so my pain is bittersweet and promises another chapter of my story.

As he basks in the dawning son I realize that I'm also going to lose cooper. I like cats; I've had an affinity for them since childhood, and this eccentric ex-druggie cat has been an amusing and sometimes annoying presence in my life for months now. I'm going to miss him.

From all the loss this day will bring I see my work ahead of me. The sudden peril I've been thrown into must be dealt with, and it must be dealt with now. A list of phone numbers, websites, and a grand amalgamated to do list wait only a few hours away. Soon I will enter into a great storm of activity, but for now the day is still dawning and I am at peace.

In this early hour the gravity of it all hits me. This is really ending, and the next stage is really coming. It is a pain that almost moves me to tears, but only almost. Now is not the time for tears; now I have to be strong.


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