Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Confessions I

I'm labeling this as an I because I'm certain that there will be a II eventually. I'm not sure what it will be yet, but God knows I'm prone enough to shit like this.

I have a confession to make, and it's very hard for me to make it because I am, and I say this without much ego, an excellent liar. I know how, it's an art form, and I know that the best way to tell a lie is to blend it seamlessly into your regular day to day life and then never ever bring it up. I don't really want to be a liar, but it's partially reflexive, and partially cowardice, and maybe some other things I don't fully understand. I don't really know. It's not important right now. The only real way I'm fighting it is taking the opportunity every now and then to warn everyone about it.

I have to confess that my sleep problems are at the root of my poor performance (in general) over last year or so, and that those are, to an extent, within my control. Sleep has been an issue of mine for a long time. It started out with nightmares back in the middle of high school. Those waned a bit but sleep was further complicated by generalized stress, episodic insomnia, an overactive mind, irrationally high vigilance reflexes, and something that I can't really explain where I just spontaneously wake up in the middle of the night. My current theory on that is that it's simply a nightmare wherein I've forgotten all the details in the urgency of waking, but as I said I can't really explain those. Further complicating the problem was, to be honest, routine. I got used to, then somewhat dependent upon having that extra time. To be honest I'd really like to be able to cast off sleep entirely. I've tried twice. Once during the end of high school using for too much caffeine, guarana, taurine, b vitamins, and everything else they put into energy drinks. I tried once more back at Lander by misusing my own medication. The first time was an extended period of jumpiness getting progressively worse as my sanity and composure slipped further and further until I crashed in a way that can only be properly called "cataclysmic." The second was an overextended period of self inflicted torment wherein every part of me wanted to go to sleep but simply couldn't. Neither of these are ongoing, and I have not, and never intend to use speed, but I feel that they're integral to the story. I would also like to point out that I'm afraid of enough of the concerta that I haven't misused it in that way since. I don't take it when I'm sick, and I occasionally choose not to on weekends, which is technically misuse, but I seriously doubt any harmful sideffects thereof.

Returning to our subject at hand. Battling my own negative sleep habits has been an ongoing war of mine. One of the clandestine goals of Project Exodus was to get them under control, and there was a time when I would've told you that it was a quick and early victory. By November I was down to only uncontrolled sleep issues, and those were getting steadily better. I've found recently that exercise can drop those even further. There were brief complications as I changed to nocturnalisim, but that actually made things even better. It was at this point I would have said that I had beaten my problem.

It must have been around January, maybe late December when I met her. I'm still not going to use names, and I'm still not going to tell you the whole of that story. Concise to say that the him in that post turned out to be a narrow minded prick. I will say no more on the issue. I helped her through that. We both know if either of us was a little bit more of who we know ourselves to be...

There's a reason I don't want to talk about it. Concise to say that my actions did not, as I had hoped, give her a happily ever after that included pulling her away from me. Honestly if anything it did the opposite of that, and so our bizarre horribly star crossed painfully emo game carried on, and love makes you do crazy thing. It also makes you do profoundly misguided self destructive things even when you can see your own cycle of addiction, ecstasy, and pain. It was so much easier way back when all of this started. Being up at 3 way just part of life, it was my work schedule.

I feel like there's more to this that I should be saying, but honestly it all breaks down. It's all so obvious and simple and....


Hopefully the confession will help me fight the addiction, and finally get at the major root of my recent issues.


Post a Comment

<< Home