Sunday, August 30, 2009


I had a thought earlier, based on something I was noticing. I was speaking too fast, what I call overspeaking which is when the words come out fast enough that they stumble over each other. I was sweating as though I was nervous, which I wasn't, and I was directing what felt like an excess of tense energy into my duty at the moment, which was sending me a notch or two further into "Getting Shit Done" mode then I should have been. I'd been fine all day up until now, what was happening?

The key thing that had changed? I had taken my meds. I was jumpy, and not exactly nervous, but full of nervous energy and tension, and it was making all of my social tics flair up like crazy. I spent all day with my friends, doing what I thought was quite well in keeping my voice audible and level, no nerves, no nothing.

This all leads me to a theory that I'd like to propose to you. A subject is prescribed a mild stimulant because they suffer from ADD symptoms which are probably simply the result of mild depression. As the years go by the subjects depression gets worse, so a slightly stronger stimulant is prescribed. Years after this, after the use of the stimulant is normalized into the subject's life, this person actually confronts and deals with the depression. The subject overcomes the depression and anxiety and identity issues that were the real root of things, but because it has become normalized continues to take the stimulant. After a certain point the stimulant begins to have adverse effects because the subject is now being medicated for an issue which has been resolved through cognitive methods, and as cognitive embodiment theory teaches us, this cognitive development will change his actual neurochemistry such that the medication will have a different effect. So now the stimulant which used to counteract the depression is now creating tension and anxiety like effects in the subject who for the longest time simply blamed it on remnant social anxiety.

I'm proposing this because it also lines up with the experience of my last few days. I spent these days alternately in Olympia or Seattle, but spent them pretty much continuously out with my friend Jamie. I did pack my meds into my day bag, but didn't end up taking them. Now examining strictly my cognitive behavioral patterns, not my mood whose elevation was almost certainly due to general fun of the few days, I can say that I was unusually free of tension and overthought. The speech matter is a bit trickier, because while I did still mumble, I didn't display the same verbal issues that I displayed in my observations earlier tonight. Clearly my issues with speech are a composite, and that's not news to me, as I've been combating them all my life, but going back to the dichotomous view of today I was having a much easier time maintaining my "stage voice" today then I normally do.


Because of all of this, and the theory which results from it, I'm going to be running an experiment on myself the next few days. I had planned to spend these days studying and working out. It's going to be a difficult task because it will require me to be a diligent student in the absence of actual classes. I'm going to propose now that not only will it work, it might work better without the concerta. Sleeping and eating habits will also be watched closely, as they are naturally affected by any kind of stimulant. I'm really interested and hesitant about this, which I've come to learn means that I'm going to learn something, even if that something may be "That was a terrible idea." Let's hope it's something more useful.


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