Depression

This one I’m composing live at 3:12 a.m. The composed time thing is just for stuff that I’m transcribing out of my notebooks.

I’m finished for the night. I’m not done, but I said to myself earlier that I’d be extremely lucky if I got very little done tonight and I was extremely lucky. I shrug off the rest of tonight’s work to someone else. Part of me knows that’s wrong but right now I just don’t care.

It’s the mantra of depression. “I don’t care.” There’s probably a lot more I could say there, but I really don’t care right now. That’s not a joke either, the whole discussion of my experiences etc. was ready in my head, I started to type, and I just didn’t care.

It’s amazingly hard to do anything in this state. Even unstructured writing takes an act of willpower.

I’m almost surprised I’m here. You can only almost feel things in this state, so I would probably be actually surprised if circumstances were normal. This isn’t a very harsh episode, if it was I wouldn’t have bothered even trying to get out of work. I would’ve turned off my cell phone and sulked in the dark for a few dozen hours.

I’ve actually never managed to make it to work/school during one of these before. I credit any skill I have at faking sick to this condition. I would say that depression is much more dehabilitating then the common physical illnesses, but you can’t call in sick saying your depressed.

I’m having to try really hard to keep writing, and I bet I’m not even writing that well. If I were motivated I’d proofread, but Fuck it.

“Fuck it” is another mantra of depression.

I was actually sick last weekend, which is why I spent this week burning through five boxes of whatever tissue homestead stocks. The drop began yesterday morning and I hit the low this afternoon. It’s usually a quick drop, a period of being at a pretty steady low, and a fairly quick recovery. Don’t ask me to try and figure out what triggers it, I don’t know and I don’t care enough to do any real research. I’m having enough trouble typing whiny blog posts; I’m not doing self analysis during a depressive state. Don’t feed me your pills either. I’m careful and hesitant about mood altering substances, so I’m defiantly not taking the mood replacement tablets they’ll prescribe to me.

I think I had some other point to make, but Fuck it; I just don’t care right now.