Thursday, October 18, 2007

Alpha / Beyond Good And Evil

I went through an interesting philosophical perspective shift almost exactly a week ago. Due to the complex series of metaphors that I use to describe myself, only Kevin could properly understand it if I phrased it the way that comes naturally to me, but I'm fairly certain I'll be able to get the point across, even if the exact nuance is lost on people who haven't been subjected to my introspective(narcissistic) philosophical discussions(rants) It all starts in the time between Wednesday night and Thursday morning, when I was thinking about where I am, who I am, and the complex metaphor that is my trinity of personality fragments.

I realized something very important. Sulfuras (Hereafter referred to as Good) and Nihel (Hereafter referred to as Evil) are the same person. They're both avatars of their core belief which they cling to blindly. They're both arrogant fanatic devotees, one to the ideology of power, and one to the ideal of benevolence. They served a key purpose, they gave some form of structure to a complex man looking to understand himself, but I've finally moved beyond the idea that those to ideologies are mutually exclusive. This particular revelation happened slowly over the last week, but the trigger point is the same.

So now I've finally cast off the idea of the trinity of self, and with the removal of the other two I finally understood what Slyz is. The fragment known as Slyz, used be called my Chaotic aspect, a reference to the D&D alignment system, which is why I'm removing that tag. That system is nice, and can convey a lot, but it's just part of the greater limitation that was the idea of the trinity.

I looked back on a lot of things and I thought about when I was happiest, when I felt most alive, and in a way when I felt most myself, and despite its now defunct status it's easiest to describe those moments as being times when my mind was "Slyz Dominant." I had more energy, I was more motivated, and I generally got more done, and I think I know why.

Slyz is an Alpha Male.

It's hard for me to use that term seriously, I've rarely used it outside of the the phrase "frathole alpha male bullshit," and I fully intend to keep using that phrase, but it really is the right term. I've never discussed this in any serious way, but I spent a lot of time learning how to stop myself from exerting my dominant aspect. I would only let it go to produce what I used to refer to as my "leadership aura" something that I honed the use of in scouts, but for some reason or another I felt bad exerting that on others. I can say with only a touch of ego that I am predisposed to leadership. I can say that without prefacing it with the classic "I feel arrogant saying this but," because my confidence in that isn't based on some view of myself as being a bold visionary. I'm not going to say outright that I never said anything about the quality of my leadership. The reasons I think I'm predisposed to this role is because it's been going on all my life without me thinking about it. It was something I fell into, not something I seized, and I regret the fact that I never properly embraced it.

Leadership is only part of it though, the bigger thing, and the revelation that allowed me to break through my preconceived notions, is the internal discussion about Dominance.

I had a series of dreams leading up to this key shifting point. The details of them aren't important, what matters is that they covered all kinds of imagined roles and scenarios, and they all ended with the same general image. In the end of each of them I had caught and beaten back the archetypal foe I was facing, and I grabbed their throat in one hand, held them up against the wall, and finished them. It sounds twisted, but the same action can take the form of revenge and murder, but it also took the form of retribution, and triumph. Each time I'd wake up and have the few seconds of phantom sensation that I always have upon waking as the imagined self washes out and my mind reconnects to my body, and in that moment I always tasted the intoxicating feeling of dominance over my opponent.

I think it's because of it's euphoric, vaguely narcotic nature that I had written it off as evil. Such a closed minded view I know, but it all stemmed from the misconception that the ideology of power was evil, and mutually exclusive with the ideal of benevolence. All of this spirals down into the repression I'm breaking out of now. Power is evil, and dominance is evil, then leadership is corrupting, the force of ones personality must be held in check. Taking power even when it isn't directly handed to you becomes a vile act, without considering the need for someone to be in power, and those who have the initiative to take control are judged before there are any actions to judge them by. The nature of their existence doomed them. It was profoundly stupid of me to think that way, but I did.

And I don't any more. I've embraced what I am when I'm Slyz and there's already been a marked improvement. I've feel better, I've gotten more done, and I'm actually starting on the nearly infinite number of things on my list of stuff that I really intend to do someday. I admit that I lose hold of this sometimes, but I'm working on that, and thats' how I know that this is more then just another fleeting moment of inspiration. This is something real, and I'm not letting it slide through my fingers.

It is an interesting world now. I still think Nihel was right. Life can be summed up as a giant exchange of power, all of society can be reduced to systems of exchanging and creating power, but that's not the entire story. The idea that power corrupts is ancient and largely unquestioned, and I'm ashamed that I missed that one when I was questioning all the other ancient unquestioned things. See the system of power, step up, take your power and then use it to further the ideal of benevolence. In accepting Nihels perspective I didn't cast of Sulfuras's burden. My moral code remains as strong as ever, perhaps even stronger because now I'm going to actually be able to do something with it. There's a lot ahead of me, and I'm not sure how all of it will go, but I feel as though I've taken another critical step on the path.


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