Friday, May 09, 2008


There are certain little outward signs of when I'm having an off day. The biggest ones are that I'm wearing glasses, not contacts, and that I haven't shaven.

I sat here in the dark for a while, reflecting on the fact that my unintended facial hair is now almost as long as my beard, and that I almost have my glasses marks back, and contemplating when exactly a string of bad days turns into a bad week.

It's a bitch because I know that this is the road to getting better, I can say in full honesty now that I've taken a big step towards resolving my psychological problems, but cutting that bit away has inflamed the rest of it.

Why does it always seem like my attempts to make things better are the key cause of my problems?

I really hope the someday I keep talking about gets here before I wreck things too much. Especially because I have so many things planned for that quasi-mystical point.

And yes I know, someday is a fabrication that will be reached over time. Life works on a system of progressively spent experience points, like shadowrun or the WoD games, not on sharply defined levels like D&D and WoW.

Part of me really really really wishes I wasn't always using games as metaphors, but I find it so damn useful. There's a really really long rant here about life as a game, the nature of a game, the concept of victory conditions, the painful consequences of having improperly placed victory conditions, the nature of achievement, the nature of satisfaction, the nature of contentment, those natures in reference to any scenario which involves victory conditions, competitiveness, unequal definition of victory conditions, and a host of other things including a deep analysis of the fact that my aspiration since childhood has been to be a wizard, but I simply don't have time for those now. The sun seems to have gone and risen on me.


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