Wednesday, April 30, 2008


I think every now and then about buying some form of weapon. The reasons for this very, everything from home defense, to potential revolutionary use, to zombie preparedness.

The real reason though, and it's apparent almost immediately, is that I have the same fascination that any number of boys have with weaponry. If I was actually thinking about buying a weapon intended for use I would think a great deal about efficiency, ease, and reliability. This would lead me inevitably to buy either a shotgun, a rifle, or a pair of hatchets. The hatchets are more for the zombie scenario then anything else. Dead Rising has taught us all the value of a weapon that doesn't depend on ammunition.

Even knowing this whenever the thought crosses my mind I'm always fixated on getting some variety of interesting melee weapon. I know that given my near zero training that the most effective choice for me would be something along the lines of an Axe, something that would take advantage of my reach and strength, and negate my key weakness by making any definite hit a conclusive one. There's no good reason for me to buy, for example, an Evil Wizard King Sword. There's no good reason for anyone to buy that thing, but you can't question the coolness. Likewise my fascination with the, essentially fictional, elven motif and art style isn't near justifying the purchase of an Elven Sword, but these two bits of whimsical thought do illustrate an interesting point.

These weapons are interesting mainly for their looks. They're not really made for combat, they're made to look like they could be used in combat, and then to be displayed. If it's just displaying do you need a semi-functional weapon? The portrait of Stephen Colbert on my south wall isn't an actual portrait, it's a poster, an imitation of a portrait that is almost as good and drastically cheaper. In that spirit why pay full price for a bit of fantasy armory when you can get a solid plastic Brutal Orcish Blade for only $12?

The real answer is because I don't need to be wasting money on toy weapons, and that as far as actual weapons go I'm already set given what I have in my kitchen. Still, it's fun to poke around.


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