Can't Sleep (Clown'll eat me)

I can't sleep. Too many random thoughts. I wish my thoughts we're at least math focused, but they're not. Anyone who likes a well structured narrative should just leave right now.

I've faced an ongoing problem which I just recently come to terms with. That's not true, that's not true at all, I haven't come to terms with this at all. I've begun the process of maybe accepting it eventually. I think that adequately states how flakey I am on this. I express it using another D&D analogy, because I always seem to do that when talking about something that's really significant and I don't want to deal with.

I took an online stats test a while ago, I got the following numbers. It's important to note that 10 is average.

Strength-15, I have amazing physical strength
Constitution- 7, I'm also amazingly out of shape
Dexterity-15, I'm surprisingly flexible
Intelligence-16, Clever, or as I like to say, Smarter then the average bear
Wisdom-15, Insightful
Charisma-14, This one I don't understand at all. I still believe that my charisma should actually be a 9. This would also explain why I'm a sorcerer and can't cast any spells. If you understood that joke you're a nerd.

Anyway, the problem boils down to this. I excel at science, I've had a talent for it all my life, and in a big way it runs in my blood. I've never really liked math, but as someone with 16 intelligence I've always been fairly good at it when I build up enough fear of failure to properly motivate me. 16 int also makes me good at science.

All of this proficiency doesn’t necessarily make me happy though. The most satisfying things in my life have come from my study of philosophy, and spirituality, and most of all from the rare few times I've served as a form of guide or counsel. In essence I want to be clergy, but I disagree with nearly every established church. In the analogy, I enjoy using my 15 wisdom. I enjoy it more then my 16 intelligence.

The other thing I enjoy essentially as much as the whole spiritual council thing is writing. I've written my standard share of bad poetry, and every now and then I write something good. I think I'll be showing off that "Hydrostatic Pressure" short story until I die, I still have no idea how I did that. What does all this mean? It means...

We can't actually say this; it will give it too much power
we’ve already said it before
it cannot be denied.
You're wrong. It must be denied. Our denial is all that's stopping it.
And who says we should stop it?
Are you mad? Do you know what the implications are? We'll be abandoning our lifelong dream
you fool. Our lifelong dream has always been achieving supernatural powers and you know that. Being a noted scientist has never been something we've aspired to over everything else, it's just been the past of least resistance.
Path of least resistance? What the hell are you talking about?
It's what we're good at. It was the easiest thing to do. We didn't have to strive as hard; we could coast along on our natural intelligence. The amount of actual work we had to do was minimal
Silence. You squabble and debate amongst yourselves, but no more. You are aspects of my consciousness and now you will obey.
Yes prime.
Yes prime.
Yes prime.
We're going to say this. It's been a poison on us for far too long. I will not allow you to conduct your cowardly bickering any more. It is time to face this foe head on.

It means that I may be happier being an artist. The problem is that I have an amazing amount of cognitive dissonance with this. Amongst other things being an artist is an amazing shaky career. Other things include the fact that I'm mediocre at best as a writer, and sub-ziggy as a visual artist. Oh, sure, I could "Improve over time." But that's no basis for a stable life. So we hit another question. Do I really want a stable life?

Sigh.

What it all boils down to is the question what do I really want. All of it, even a vast portion of my hunt for understanding of the divine. I can go into a tangent here about how the self is the divine because of the singularity and so the innermost of the self’s desires must be equal to blah blah blah. It won't answer the question; it just makes it more important.

Kevin I think has the problem too. He's taking time off to re-evaluate the situation. While I still question the wisdom of it, from what I know of him it's an inevitable action. If I fall back to my D&D analogy he's someone who’s alignment would be chaotic chaotic. As in, on the law-chaos axis he's chaotic. And on the good-evil alignment he's also chaotic. I would classify myself as true neutral, but mostly because I oscillate heavily between being chaotic good and lawful evil.

I thought about Kevin's plan, and I don't think it would be right for me. Amongst other things I'll have 3 months break coming up soon anyway.

I think part of the problem is that anytime I think about turning away from science some part of me considers it giving up. Like I'm starting a new game on easy or something. I don't think that's true, but it's hard to fight the entities of my sub conscious. They don't respect prime. They don't attend the council; they lurk in the shadows around it.

The shadows are an analogy for my fears perhaps? It would work with the whole, fearing the unknown principle.

Science also seems like the reasonable choice. It's unbearable in its reasonableness. It's stable, it benefits humanity, it pays well, it's resistant to globalization, and I'm good at it. It's like the shanker.

Ok here's another side track tangent to explain this.

Back in the good 'ol World of Warcraft my first main character was Slyz, a human rogue. Normally I fought with two identical swords which were called Hanzo Swords. I liked them a lot. A Hanzo Sword wasn't the greatest weapon in the game, but it was the fastest sword you could get, and I had a rogue ability that gave me a 1/20 chance to instantly attack again after hitting with a sword. When you have 2 incredibly fast swords this makes you a whirling maelstrom of blades and fury. On top of that I was an enchanter, so I had put magic on both swords that gave them a 1/5 chance of dealing explosive fire damage each time they hit. So now I was a whirling conflagration of blades and fire. A perfect physical manifestation of rage. That was the most fun system of fighting.

It wasn't the most effective. I had, in one of my packs, a Barman shanker and a Julie’s dagger as well. Using those two and fighting in an entirely different manner that was much more by rote, much less passionate, and much more repetitive was in the end a lot more effective. So when I was losing I'd sigh to myself and say "Fine. I'll play the annoying way." Then I'd use the shanker, win, and really not enjoy it all that much more.

Engineering is the shanker. It's more effective, more reliable, and not as satisfying. I hesitate to add that last part because I'm not fully within the field of engineering yet, but that's my feeling at the moment.

I'll lump everything else into the Hanzo blades pile, but most of them are probably somewhere in between, with being a writer/artist being at the most Hanzo end of the spectrum.

I'm also going to list everything else, because it's my blog and I feel like it Damnit.

Pharmacist, Lawyer, Businessman, Psychologist, Writer, Artist, Politician, Alternative Medicine.

I'm out of metaphorical steam for now, and should probably go try and get more sleep.