Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Working up to Zero

I'm off to a rough start this quarter, but even with that I really think things are going to get better. I know what I'm trying to get to now, I reached it briefly, very briefly, and I think I know how to get back to it.

What it comes down to is getting a lot of little easy things done, but the nature of my condition makes that tricky. The thing about insomnia isn't just that you don't get enough sleep, it's that you're always tired. I get up tired, I spend the whole day tired, and by the time I've gotten nothing done I'm way too tired to do anything.

It's not just the inability to get things done, but I'm too tired to fight things. A lot of these things are part of the cycle of depression, so in this way the cycle caries on. The goal, in the long run, is to establish an inverse cycle. A cycle of achievement, one which will improve my general quality of life, and finally give me enough built up willpower points to resolve my current... lets call it an identity crisis. It's tricky. It's also not really a crisis, more like an identity conflict, or a partial denial moral quandary internal identity of self conflict. I may talk about that later, but it deals with a lot of things that I'm just not willing to talk about in a forum this public.

Anyway, little things. The overall goal may be a better state of physical health, bodily harmony, and level of energy, but you can't start with overall goals. Start with little ones, like a bike.

I have to credit my brother again on that one, it's a good idea that I've been meaning to get to for a while now. Today after Psych 209. That's just one though. One amongst many.


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