Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Letting Go

I'm up at that time that is between very late and very early again, but this time I have a good reason. At 6 a.m. there's going to be the registration rush, and I intend to have my schedule already arranged so that I can register for Autumn 08 at 6:00.000001. It's a ritual that was played out time and time again at Lander, where as with every recurring ritual at Lander I was one of the few taking part of it while sober.

This experience has proven something that has been between a theory and a fear of mine for some time now. Over the last few years I've built up a kind of life for myself that takes place in the darkness of the night. So much of who I am was invested in these activities, and I'm forced to accept that in order to end my own self destructive behavior I'm going to have to let them go. It's troubling because I worry that I'll lose some part of myself, and this bitter revelation is what I've been overlooking. Improving oneself means changing oneself, which inherently means letting go of some of things that used to identify that self.

Once again I find myself coming to a point where I feel like I should have so much more to say, but it would either be me restating my point over and over in a pointless attempt to convey it's gravity, or it would details that shall remain undiscussed in a blog that my parents have access to. What words can describe the literal tremors that run through my body as I lift the axe to sever the ties to what once defined me?

Farewell, quiet of the night.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

It should not be farewell but see you later.

8:20 AM  

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