Wednesday, July 30, 2008


I've begun to notice some changes in my own wiring. Little behavioral things that I wasn't expecting. In essence, I'm losing my crazy powers.

Without my old sleep problems I'm off of the insomnia/collapse loop, and while this is great, and a massive improvement in my quality of life, the absence of the larger things that were keeping me from sleeping has begun to point out the minor things that do. I used to be able to sleep in a fully lit moderately noisy room, a power I derived not from any meritable ability but simply because if I had gotten tired enough to actually sleep that meant I was mere hours from passing out entirely. I've begun a process of duct taping over all of the little lights in my room that I never noticed before.

The regular sleep pattern means that I can safely maintain a regular medication pattern. This is a massive benefit because concerta can be a bit awkward if you don't take it consistently. Now it's become normative, my new default state clearly includes being medicated. Which is why it's now a much bigger deal if I miss one. Getting accustomed to that makes its sudden absence something noticeable instead of another detail in the haze of problems.

The biggest change, and definitely the biggest loss of powers that I've noticed is my reaction to caffeine. I've been cutting down on it gradually over the last few months, and I've lost my tolerance. Consequentially I'm beginning to lose my affection for it. The temporarily heightened energy state it gives you doesn't feel genuine. A high energy mood is a combination of a lot of things, and caffeine simply doesn't provide those. It doesn't give you motivation, it doesn't give you drive, it's just energy and without the others it's not all that great, and now that I'm actually getting meaningful after effects it just doesn't add up any more. I feel almost traitorous saying this but I may end up quitting soda entirely.


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