Thursday, February 25, 2010

Middle Depression

Both parents have now commented that I haven't written anything on my blog recently, and this is true. The explanation I tend to give for this is that I don't have much to say, and that what I do have to say is personal. Those are both true, but as I'm realizing now they don't get to the heart of why I haven't been writing. There is a certain kind of mindset that leads me to write in my blog, and it's characterized by something akin to depression.

The desire to write began to bubble in me about 15 minutes ago when two things happened in quick succession that lead to me driving to the gym but not working out. The first is that my recent hassle's with Chase have lead to my gym being unable to bill me, and hence billing me more. It's tempting to go into a stand-up comic style rant about why that doesn't make sense but if you've spent any amount of time thinking about the financial services industries or even why the word currency means money then you'll see that it's both reasonable and quite simply good business. The second thing that happened involves a song that I haven't heard in a while, and a girl who is two thousand miles away. I don't really feel like telling the full story of that one, although I will if asked directly, but concise to say after both of those things hitting me in the space of 5 minutes I simply didn't have the heart to put in the effort to actually exercise.

It left me in a grey area between what I would clearly call depression and what I would clearly call not depression. I'm operating at 40% or so, and it's in this mindset that I feel a desire to write in my blog. It may be that I have a story to tell, it may be that I want to whine or vent, it may be that I'm still wrestling internally about going to my creditors and continuing to be a baseless dependent. I have a great many theories, as I always do, but none of that is the point. When you wonder why I haven't been writing in my blog, a lot of it will have to do with mindset. There are narrow bands of mindset in which I feel motivated to write. Thinking back on this, the bulk of what I have written stemmed from this middle depression state. The high points when I have a good story to tell, and the low points when I have some particular vitriol that I feel must be recorded have their credits too, but so many more or less meaningless stories have stemmed from a life that lacks meaningful stories and a desire to write.