Friday, March 28, 2008

Disgruntled Scrawlings

This blog post is brought to you by Sleep! along with a sex life, faith in the U.S. government, and a belief system that doesn't revolve around an ancient forgotten deity who was questionable even when they were modern, in addition to all of the other things I can't seem to get.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to add "regret about mocking Dionysus" to the list of things that will roll around in my head while I lay on my bed doing nothing and failing at it.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Doing the Math

In listening to a radio show called "The conversation" on Seattle's NPR, which was discussing religion at the time, they quoted one of the more militant atheists as saying that suicide bombing can only be justified by religion. I'm not pro religion, I'm adamantly con it, despite being pro faith, but this assertion is just dumb. There's a very clear tactical and mathematical reasoning behind any kind of suicide attack.

I'm going to strap a bomb to myself, kill 5 of you, and my team gets a net gain of four points.

Now I should point out that they didn't mean tactically, the speaker was claiming that it was the only way someone could be brought to that psychotic state, but I disagree with this as well. Fanaticism happens in all belief systems, but if you're going to try and take the position that there should be no belief systems you're going to find yourself in a bad position. Amongst other things, you won't be able to advocate your own beliefs.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008


(This post will be updated periodically until remodelling is complete.)

I'm rearranging my room. It was sort of an impulse thing, but it's also highly symbollic. I'm rearranging everything else in my life too, so it seemed fitting. So far things are highly improved. I'm making much better use of my shelves, and I finally got my second monitor plugged in. There's some minor concern that I'll be walking on my bed while I'm writing on my giant whiteboard, but I don't really see why that's a problem. My bed is a mattress on the floor, I really can't find a reason not to walk on it.

One thing that interests me is the arrangement of my wall decor. I moved all of my posters on to one wall when I got the white board. Now the other wall as my giant white board, my normal white board, and my newly posted Israeli flag. Given that the contents of the white boards are written by me I'm thinking of just adding some pin up art to that wall and firmly establishing its role as my "Wall of Inflammatory Symbols." I'd like to add a Kucinich poster as well, and if possible a pair of bumper stickers from Kucinich '04 and Kucinich '08 to symbolize the unelectability of the only candidate to convince me that I should actually vote for him.

A lot of things get lost while you're moving this much stuff around. Most notably right now is my phone. I packed it along with a number of other small valuable objects into a box, and put that box under the lighter stuff, then transferred all of the lighter stuff to one corner so I could vacuum. Now it's lost somewhere down there in a low priority area, calling to me. I considered digging it out, but that would necessitate undoing so much of my grand work. Once again I'm one of the few people who acquired a cell phone, and remained inherently difficult to contact.


-Getting up at 6 and going to sleep at 10 still doesn't really feel right, but I have gotten into the swing of doing it. I've declared Saturday my slip day, a day where I'm allowed to wake up as late as I like, and if you keep that in mind I've only missed once since I started.

-I may have to stop attending D&D in Federal Way on Sundays because the group tends to run 'till midnight. It's a shame, I like that group.

-I may also have to stop running my D&D campaign on Saturdays. This is much less of a shame. I have a lot of dissonance with some of the people in that group

-The farmers market is a great way to know what's in season, and to get cheap farm fresh vegetables, but only in the summer. One of the annoying lessons of the organic market is that it's trickier to grow things in the winter, and the prices reflect that.

-My new giant whiteboard has allowed me to map out my internal discussions quite well. However this hasn't really allowed me to reach any more conclusions.

-A two day study, because it's better to call it that then to say that I forgot to take my secondary meds two days in a row, has found several things.
--Mood & mindset up a notch from taking fish oil and vitamins
--Strange taste in back of throat all morning is, in fact, from the fish oil
--A lower energy level even on the new schedule reduces me back painfully close to pre-revamp conditions.

-It's frightening to think that the simple application of vitamins could change the way I experience life so much.

-It's also a great sales pitch for vitamins though.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

The Historical Record

March 22nd, 10 p.m. The Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Eight.

Max Destroys Adam

The Villagers Rejoice


Friday, March 21, 2008

Vestigial Lizard Reflexes

I meant to write this a while ago, but it's happening again so lets discuss.

Now that I live in the northwest and I have access to sunlight without the soul crushing heat I normally associate with bright sunny days I've developed somewhat of an affinity for it. It's nice, it appeals to a part of me that is rarely nourished, but I think really should be a lot more often. So whenever I'm reading or cleaning, or typing my blog I like to sit in sunlight, but I've found that after long enough it brings up an old problem.

An ancient problem actually.

I've documented a lot of traits in myself that go back to what I was before I was a person. Unconsciously baring my front teeth, or "fangs," when I'm in a state of violent anger goes back to being a chimp. Driving jumpily around giant trucks goes back to the first rodent like mammals darting around the feet of massive dinosaurs. Recently I've found one that goes back even further though.

I've known a lot of people with reptile pets. My brother owned a snake, I once spent a long time watching a lizard in a terrarium, although for the life of me I can't remember where. In either case they have one common hobby. Laying on warm rocks. It may just be that my choice of attire makes me more vulnerable to the sense of numbing warmth, but I like to think that some part of my reptile brain flips on when I'm sitting in warm sunlight on a stone bench in red square, and slowly, without even really realizing it, I drift off, exulting in warm comfort in a way humans haven't done since we got the fourth chamber and that whole "warm blood" thing.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Deeply Wrong

I finally got around to putting Google Desktop back on my PC. I have a recurring love hate relationship with the product, but it's gotten a lot better. I had one problem though. The weather widget thought I was in Houston, and was essentially impossible to correct. I have no idea why it thought I was there, I never told it I was, I assume some background hoodoo on my machine causes it to think it is.

So I got rid of that, and got another different weather widget, which was easily updated, and is now displaying the local conditions. This is all well and good, but it's also horribly horribly wrong.

My computer table is situated against the wall which faces the street. The same wall which has a large window that I keep open and essentially all the time. I can tell the weather by flicking my eyes 10 degrees left. I don't even have to turn my head.

Technology has deeply broken us all.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Fun Facts from my studying rigor

Lets start with the class that is a never ending source of amusing information.

There are several types of marriage, can you guess which kind has the highest failure rate?

A: Marriage by agreement, in which both parties want to get married.
B: Marriage by arrangement, wherein the families arrange for two people to be married
C: Marriage by capture, wherein one partner is literally abducted and forced into marriage and usually into pregnancy.

Think carefully before you answer.

Trick Question! The divorce rates are similar for all of them, with less than a third of marriages lasting for more then four years. There are some complications with the whole "capture" scenario, but surprisingly enough Kirghistan, and their old timey traditions, provide us with some very interesting data. That time figure is also key, because it's the decay cycle of passionate infatuation. Sort of like the half life on the nuclear family.

A few more fun facts in this vein. Key causes for the rising divorce rate in America? First: Life Span. People used to die off after 12 years or so of marriage, made it a lot simpler. Another important one? Society's growing disapproval of Battery. Suddenly women can go out and complain when they're being beaten into submission without prior consent and a safeword. Shucks howdy that just ruined everything didn't it? I guess that's what we get for giving them the vote. Long for the good old days? Wonder what kept people together so long? Death and Beatings.

I'm really going to miss this class.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Civil Disobediance

The lot next door got demolished a few days ago. Over the last few days it was wreckage, and now it's just big open dirt. They're going to start building soon, and honestly I'm a bit bothered by that. It's a big open space. I like big open spaces, they make me feel less cramped, which is a feeling I deal with most of my day.

They have a fence around the open lot, but I know a very simple, very easy way in and out, and I was considering taking some action against them, but it would ultimately just be a big futile gesture. I do have one idea that has merit though.

Have you ever heard of a flashmob? Fascinating concept, great deal of fun. Well I have a different idea. How deep of a hole does it take to plant a tree? If you could transport fully grown trees I bet you could flash-plant them overnight in the course of only a few hours. I'm not going to do it, I don't have the means, but it's an interesting concept.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


[9:30] If I can't get any sleep the traditional way I'll just force it. Two hours of laying in the dark is bound to lead to something

[10:04] I roll over and look at my clock, then roll back and try to will myself to sleep.

[10:33] I roll over and look at my clock, then roll back and try to will myself to sleep.

[10:50] I roll over and look at my clock, then roll back and try to will myself to sleep.

[11:31] I roll over and look at my clock, then roll back and try to will myself to sleep.

[11:56] Damn the monitor is bright after laying in the dark for that long. Why can't I fall asleep?

[12:30-ish] I head back to bed and start this all over again.

For Future Referance

Episodes of severe depression are always predicated by a long period of sleep deprivation. Not a lot of concurrent sleep deprivation either, but a single period of over 30 hours in which I'm unable to sleep at all. The causes very, but I think the combination of low grade food poisoning, street noise, and the total destruction of two nearby buildings has something to do with it this time.


One of the things my counselor and I have discussed time and time again is identifying the cyclical nature of my depressive episodes. I've described them in the past as being a "once every four months or so fate kicks you in the balls and you lose a few days" thing. I know now that it isn't that simple, and in theory I should know how to fight it, but depression is a tricky foe. You may realize it's coming, and in the end just say "fuck it."

That is, in essence what leads me to here, and my current bit of reflection that it's not fair that depression can keep you awake. The whole thing is about being subdued, how can it be keeping me awake?

It's really an insidious condition. Little things slip. The things I'm doing to safeguard against it are, unfortunately, still things which are by and large outside of my ingrained habits, so a loss of motivation cuts those off pretty fast, and from there its the same old song and dance. You slip on X, you feel bad, you have less motivation to spend. You miss something, you sleep through something, you feel worse. You have a bad day and the filter you've got going by that point makes it into a terrible day, and by that point your sliding waaay to fast.

The key, and I say this mostly for future reference, is generating apparent self worth. Directing raw willpower early in the cycle should help me evade most of it, but que sera a little bit late for that. Dr. Johnson has taught me a great many useful things, I just wish I was better at learning them.

I'm also amazed, and to be honest pissed off that I can still have an internal writer voice which is almost playfully outraged despite the fact that I have a headache and really don't feel like doing anything to or for anyone at all ever. I hate to say this, because the implications are horrific, but writing flows surprisingly well when I'm depressed. Or heartbroken for that matter. I'd say that poetry flows from the open wounds of my broken heart, but that phrase is so amazingly emo that I would have to kill myself for saying it. The irony here of course being that killing myself would be even more emo, and only magnify the problem.

I stop here to remind my father, who is worried about these things, that I'm not contemplating suicide. I know it won't quell your fears but I don't think of suicide as a solution. If people with problems kill themselves they become dead people with problems.

Fuck it, I'm out of things to say.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Dear God they're listening to me

So I canceled my CoX account about two months ago after another brief interlude with it. Fairly fun game, but the highly cinematic nature of it's game play can get repetitive if you don't keep getting new moves fairly quickly, which means leveling fairly quickly. I mentioned on my "why are you canceling" thing that they really should just do a universal XP increase at ever level after 2.

They Listened.

I think I'm contractually obligated to restart my CoX account now.

"+4 Combo Bonus" or "Monster Kill" or "SSS: Sick Smokin Style"

So, let me first say that:

That is, in it's most basic form, my visual schedule for Spring Quarter. However I'm here to address a lot more then that. Namely: "Making a routine of it," "What now," and "The War on Sleep." From my blog post reminder list. Each of them informs the other, because the goal is, in essence, routine. While I'm already working towards sleep stabilization, I've found that the lack of routine has prevented me from doing a number of other things. I missed too many Aikido classes because I simply forgot I had them. It was an abberation in my natural cyclical behaviors, and I didn't compensate for it well. I've made steps towards establishing a studying routine, with some success, and I've found that the key is having something there all the time. Twice every week was too sparse to fully ingrain it into my thoughts. I've also found that in the war against a failure of motivation, and the resulting collapse of productivity it's key that I not give myself an excess of useless down time between classes. That's why everything I'm doing is in a block this time. It's a bit earlier then I would've actually liked, but that was the only way to get the classes I'm after.

So, keeping in mind that I'm making a Faustian pact with routine and structure I give you my theoretical true schedule.

In essence the only question now is will it work. I don't know, I honestly don't, which is a shame because it's entirely upon me now. I've been cutting away everything that gave me sleep issues, I've been focusing more, but until I can get my self in line I'm painfully unable to progress. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

By the way bonus points to anyone who understands the meaning of the titles of this post. It's yet another of my impenetrable video game references.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Genuine Creativity

It's been a while since I've been to YTMND, and it's still mostly schlock, but there are gems of genuinely creative creations. Those of you unfamiliar with Zelda probably won't fully appreciate this, and I'll grant that the art in it is terrible, but Link's Deliverance DX, is a piece of audio genius.

While were (kind of) on this subject I'd like to bring up the amazing work being done by insane internet people in the field of rap music. It's amazing what you can get when you take the actual rapping and replace the beats with music from ridiculous sources.

Snoop Dogg's Dreamland

(NSFW) Biggie and Friends

Tuesday, March 04, 2008


Need for Speed Prostreet, good solid game, I'd give it a 7 on a regular scale, or a 30$ in my way of measuring things. Definitely one to add to you gamefly queue, but not really enough to be a buy IMO.

The Need for Speed Prostreet Soundtrack though, 9.5, $50, and well worth every penny that I paid for it.

Note that this would still be true if I had actually paid for my copy of it.

Critic (NSFW)

I'm just wondering if I'm the only one who finds that no matter what they're doing some part of themselves is standing back, arms folded, judging you. Considering how I've been most of today I thought I was doing pretty good as I buzzed off a mild sense of achievement as I unpacked the various upgrades to my bed, my techno music at the fine balance point between blaring and background known as "bumping" and my vanilla candle competed with my jasmine incense in a contest in which really everyone wins.

I took that in and some part of me didn't even have to think before it responded.


His spirit lives on (and retains all spellcasting abilities)


On a quick related note. Shame on the YTMND community for forcing me to make this one. I thought I could count on those nerds to make the obvious tribute.

Confessions I

I'm labeling this as an I because I'm certain that there will be a II eventually. I'm not sure what it will be yet, but God knows I'm prone enough to shit like this.

I have a confession to make, and it's very hard for me to make it because I am, and I say this without much ego, an excellent liar. I know how, it's an art form, and I know that the best way to tell a lie is to blend it seamlessly into your regular day to day life and then never ever bring it up. I don't really want to be a liar, but it's partially reflexive, and partially cowardice, and maybe some other things I don't fully understand. I don't really know. It's not important right now. The only real way I'm fighting it is taking the opportunity every now and then to warn everyone about it.

I have to confess that my sleep problems are at the root of my poor performance (in general) over last year or so, and that those are, to an extent, within my control. Sleep has been an issue of mine for a long time. It started out with nightmares back in the middle of high school. Those waned a bit but sleep was further complicated by generalized stress, episodic insomnia, an overactive mind, irrationally high vigilance reflexes, and something that I can't really explain where I just spontaneously wake up in the middle of the night. My current theory on that is that it's simply a nightmare wherein I've forgotten all the details in the urgency of waking, but as I said I can't really explain those. Further complicating the problem was, to be honest, routine. I got used to, then somewhat dependent upon having that extra time. To be honest I'd really like to be able to cast off sleep entirely. I've tried twice. Once during the end of high school using for too much caffeine, guarana, taurine, b vitamins, and everything else they put into energy drinks. I tried once more back at Lander by misusing my own medication. The first time was an extended period of jumpiness getting progressively worse as my sanity and composure slipped further and further until I crashed in a way that can only be properly called "cataclysmic." The second was an overextended period of self inflicted torment wherein every part of me wanted to go to sleep but simply couldn't. Neither of these are ongoing, and I have not, and never intend to use speed, but I feel that they're integral to the story. I would also like to point out that I'm afraid of enough of the concerta that I haven't misused it in that way since. I don't take it when I'm sick, and I occasionally choose not to on weekends, which is technically misuse, but I seriously doubt any harmful sideffects thereof.

Returning to our subject at hand. Battling my own negative sleep habits has been an ongoing war of mine. One of the clandestine goals of Project Exodus was to get them under control, and there was a time when I would've told you that it was a quick and early victory. By November I was down to only uncontrolled sleep issues, and those were getting steadily better. I've found recently that exercise can drop those even further. There were brief complications as I changed to nocturnalisim, but that actually made things even better. It was at this point I would have said that I had beaten my problem.

It must have been around January, maybe late December when I met her. I'm still not going to use names, and I'm still not going to tell you the whole of that story. Concise to say that the him in that post turned out to be a narrow minded prick. I will say no more on the issue. I helped her through that. We both know if either of us was a little bit more of who we know ourselves to be...

There's a reason I don't want to talk about it. Concise to say that my actions did not, as I had hoped, give her a happily ever after that included pulling her away from me. Honestly if anything it did the opposite of that, and so our bizarre horribly star crossed painfully emo game carried on, and love makes you do crazy thing. It also makes you do profoundly misguided self destructive things even when you can see your own cycle of addiction, ecstasy, and pain. It was so much easier way back when all of this started. Being up at 3 way just part of life, it was my work schedule.

I feel like there's more to this that I should be saying, but honestly it all breaks down. It's all so obvious and simple and....


Hopefully the confession will help me fight the addiction, and finally get at the major root of my recent issues.

Public Notice

Minute Maid "Orangeade" seems like an excellent idea.

It isn't.

Monday, March 03, 2008


I'm not sure of the exact origins of this story, my understanding is that it's a transcript of someone's "write about your heroes" paper, but there's a phrase floating around the internet.

"Halo guy is my hero, because he kills people, and he doesn't afraid of anything."

I want to laugh at that, because it amuses me in the same stupid way that lolcats, Ghost riding the whip, and any other number of inane things do. In fact I do laugh at it, but I can't really place judgment on the kid for the phrase "doesn't afraid of anything," because that's the kind of stupid mistake I make all the time.

Case in point, while posting Casual ducks II I went back to confirm that there was an entry entitled Casual ducks. There is, but it contains the phrase "They're always been here." Now understand that I don't think that this grammar issue is new, but have I really been saying to myself "I need to proofread more" since April 2006?

Casual Ducks II

My newly discovered band name "Post-Coital Duck Glow," while it hasn't been tried, wouldn't fit in any of the Guitar Hero games.

Also I'd like to point out the phrase "Post-Coital Duck Glow" as an example of how my conversations get into weird tangents.