Sunday, August 30, 2009


I had a thought earlier, based on something I was noticing. I was speaking too fast, what I call overspeaking which is when the words come out fast enough that they stumble over each other. I was sweating as though I was nervous, which I wasn't, and I was directing what felt like an excess of tense energy into my duty at the moment, which was sending me a notch or two further into "Getting Shit Done" mode then I should have been. I'd been fine all day up until now, what was happening?

The key thing that had changed? I had taken my meds. I was jumpy, and not exactly nervous, but full of nervous energy and tension, and it was making all of my social tics flair up like crazy. I spent all day with my friends, doing what I thought was quite well in keeping my voice audible and level, no nerves, no nothing.

This all leads me to a theory that I'd like to propose to you. A subject is prescribed a mild stimulant because they suffer from ADD symptoms which are probably simply the result of mild depression. As the years go by the subjects depression gets worse, so a slightly stronger stimulant is prescribed. Years after this, after the use of the stimulant is normalized into the subject's life, this person actually confronts and deals with the depression. The subject overcomes the depression and anxiety and identity issues that were the real root of things, but because it has become normalized continues to take the stimulant. After a certain point the stimulant begins to have adverse effects because the subject is now being medicated for an issue which has been resolved through cognitive methods, and as cognitive embodiment theory teaches us, this cognitive development will change his actual neurochemistry such that the medication will have a different effect. So now the stimulant which used to counteract the depression is now creating tension and anxiety like effects in the subject who for the longest time simply blamed it on remnant social anxiety.

I'm proposing this because it also lines up with the experience of my last few days. I spent these days alternately in Olympia or Seattle, but spent them pretty much continuously out with my friend Jamie. I did pack my meds into my day bag, but didn't end up taking them. Now examining strictly my cognitive behavioral patterns, not my mood whose elevation was almost certainly due to general fun of the few days, I can say that I was unusually free of tension and overthought. The speech matter is a bit trickier, because while I did still mumble, I didn't display the same verbal issues that I displayed in my observations earlier tonight. Clearly my issues with speech are a composite, and that's not news to me, as I've been combating them all my life, but going back to the dichotomous view of today I was having a much easier time maintaining my "stage voice" today then I normally do.


Because of all of this, and the theory which results from it, I'm going to be running an experiment on myself the next few days. I had planned to spend these days studying and working out. It's going to be a difficult task because it will require me to be a diligent student in the absence of actual classes. I'm going to propose now that not only will it work, it might work better without the concerta. Sleeping and eating habits will also be watched closely, as they are naturally affected by any kind of stimulant. I'm really interested and hesitant about this, which I've come to learn means that I'm going to learn something, even if that something may be "That was a terrible idea." Let's hope it's something more useful.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

A good sign

I just noticed something. I have in regular use three belts. I have a small belt, a large belt, and a scout belt, the last of which is called that because the clasp functions in the same odd way as BSA uniform belts, even though it's actuall a $6 cheap highly functional belt.

The small belt is a bit worn out around the 2nd notch because when I got it that's where I wore it and it was a little tight. I don't usually think about which notch I'm pulling to though, I just pull it to the point where it's got a firm grip, then let it slide to the next availible notch. I noticed just now that I'm on the 5th, which is also the last, notch of the small belt. I stopped wearing the large belt a while ago because it wasn't holding anything any more. Maybe I'm actually losing weight.

Friday, August 21, 2009

This Brownie Will Kill You

So I needed to celebrate the end of finals, and celebration is best done with Desserts.

Normally foods range from bad to good. On a rare occasion one is rated as Great. Beyond this is the classification of "Orgasmic," which I normally view as being hyperbole. Whenever someone describes something other then sex as orgasmic my response is always that they need to have more creative sex. There is, however an exception to this. A friend of mine makes chocolate Mousse injected cupcakes. Because of the viewership of this blog I'm going to omit the details, but concise to say that this is the only food I've seen or eaten which I could call Orgasmic non-ironically.

That's not what I'm here to discuss. I'm here to discuss the next level. The point at which food becomes a hazard. I'm here to discuss dangerous foods. That's where we get to the thing I just made. It starts with a relatively simple fudge brownie. It's cut out in a circle, so that a chocolate chocolate chip cookie, whose underside has been coated with chocolate frosting can be put on top of the brownie. On top of the cookie you put a generous scoop of chocolate ice cream. Sprinkle the whole thing with chocolate sprinkles, and on top of that? A hostess ding dong.

Think about this for a few moments and I know you'll agree with me that this is the most appropriately named food ever. "This Brownie Will Kill You." Go ahead and doubt the power of it if you want, but Adam is currently laying on the rec room floor, inches from death, after eating all but the very end of the thing. If he'd finished it? Well.. he couldn't say I didn't warn him.


I don't have much to say, I'm still tired from the barrage of activity that is finals, but I feel a need to make everyone aware that I'm still alive, I'll be contacting you all in a much more legitimate way later.

In the meantime, this comic is obscure, but genius.

Sunday, August 09, 2009


I have something I was trying to write, and I realized that there's no way to make other people understand it. In order to understand the significance you have to have been following my life so carefully, that the only one who actually knows enough about this is me. Unless you know about Kevin's totemic naming powers, you know the name "Three Flames Burning In Shadow" you know the origin and meaning of the phrase "The Breaker of Chains" you're familiar with the idea of the Chained Inferno, you've been around as that idea has evolved, you've seen the triality system come and go, and you understand that some dreams are dreams, some dreams are lucid dreams, and some dreams a visions. Then you can't even begin to understand at all why this matters.


Friday, August 07, 2009


So I've been looking at the last few weeks, trying to decide what's had productivity so staggered. There's a lot of good reasons, but I think I've found the actual reason. It follows a pretty simple series.

1. Some drama arises in my life.
2. Said drama makes me tired
3. I eat either fast food or processed food because I'm too tired to cook
4. Said terrible food interrupts my sleep, or my day, depending on when it was eaten
5. Productivity drops.

So when you get down to brass tacks, I think the real issue recently may not have been any of the various social dramas, but may have a lot more to do with Beefaroni.